Lord of Chaos
(This is my favorite out of all of them)
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Dark Lord: DEMANDRED. HOW FARES THIS WORLD, DEMANDRED.
Demandred: Rahvin is dead, Great Lord.
Dark Lord: DONE BY MY ANCIENT ENEMY. THE ONE CALLED DRAGON.
Demandred: Great Lord, do you mean one currently called Dragon, or another in a previous Age, who might be a female Dragon, or barring that, a female substitute Dragon? I refuse to believe that a female Dragon couldn’t exist…
Dark Lord: DEMANDRED, I’VE TOLD YOU TO STOP PERPETUATING THAT STUPID THEORY.
Demandred: Sorry, Great Lord. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Dark Lord: So, tell, me Demandred….Damn, my amp…it’s lost power.
Demandred: I’ll plug it back in, Great Lord. How about now?
Dark Lord: SO tell ME Demandred….NOW it’s SWITCHING back AND forth. THAT’S no GOOD…
Demandred: How about now?
Dark Lord: Was ist los? Ich kann nicht normal sprechen. Ich spreche wie ein verrueckter Mensch.
Demandred: How about now?
Dark Lord: ImspeakingtoofasthelpstopmefromspeakingsofastIcantstopthisIcan’tbreathe…
Demandred: How about now?
Dark Lord: 01111001100001100000111111010100110010010.
Demandred: HOW ABOUT NOW. HEY, NOW I’VE GOT THE BIG VOICE.
Dark Lord: Stop that.
Demandred: SORRY, GREAT LORD, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF MY OWN BIG VOICE. HEY. THIS IS KIND OF COOL. I AM THE GREAT LORD. OBEY ME OR DIE. LET THE LORD OF CHAOS RULE.
Dark Lord: Do not do impressions of me, Demandred. I am the Great Lord. Those who do impressions of me will die.
Demandred: EXCEPT FOR ISHAMAEL. BECAUSE HE IS MY FAVORITE FANCY PANTS BOY.
Dark Lord: I’ve never called Ishamael my favorite fancy pants boy.
Demandred: YOU IMPLIED IT. THIS I COMMAND.
Dark Lord: You cannot command me. I command you.
Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE BIG VOICE.
Dark Lord: I should have the big voice.
Demandred: BUT YOU DON’T. SHAIDAR HARAN, GET ME SOME LEMONADE.
Shaidar Haran: Yes, Great Lord.
Dark Lord: No! Shaidar Haran, he’s impersonating me! Don’t get him lemonade.
Shadar Haran: But He’s got the big voice, Great Lord. How can I refuse?
Moghedien: Hey, what’s going on?
Demandred: Check out my impression, Moghedien. Ahem. MOGHEDIEN. YOU DISAPPOINT ME. BUT I WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE TO SERVE THE SHADOW. YOU MUST CRAWL THROUGH MY MAGICALLY LOWERING TUNNEL WITH THE ROCKS GRAZNG YOUR HEAD. THEN YOU MUST LEAP THROUGH FLAMING HOOPS, THEN JUGGLE EIGHT PORCUPINES TO SHOW YOUR LOYALTY TO ME. FROM THIS DAY FORTH, YOU SHALL BE REBORN AS ‘CUCAMONGA.’ THIS I COMMAND.
Moghedien: Hey, that’s pretty good! Let me try. I AM THE GREAT LORD. I LIVE IN A BIG FIERY LAVA TOILET. OBEY ME OR PREPARE TO BE FLUSHED DOWN AMONG THE FLAMES.
Great Lord: Okay, I don’t really sound like that. Shaidar Haran, back me up.
Shaidar Haran: Actually, you do kind of sound like that. And it does look a little like a big toilet. Here’s your lemonade, Demandred.
Demandred: THANK YOU, SHAIDAR HARAN. YOU PLEASE ME ALMOST AS MUCH AS MY FANCY PANTS BOY, ISHAMAEL.
Dark Lord: Now I’m getting mad.
Demandred: I AM THE GREAT LORD. I CAN DISH IT OUT, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT.
Moghedien: Good one.
Demandred: I LIKE TO MAKE BUBBLES OF EVIL. BEWARE THE EVIL PLAYING CARD FIGURES THAT I MAKE COME TO LIFE. THE THREE INCH TALL AMYRLIN SEAT’S GONNA GET YOU. SCARY.
Moghedien & Shaidar Haran: [Snickering]
Great Lord: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I WILL NOT TOLERATE….OH, IT’S FIXED. AHEM. HEAR AND OBEY, WHO WILL LIVE AND WHO WILL DIE. OBEY THE BIG VOICE.
Faile: I KNEW it!!!
Rand: What was that?
Taim: Rand al’Thor, I would like to give you the gift of the seventh seal that holds the Dark Lord’s prison. I got it from a farmer.
Rand: A farmer?
Taim: Yes. He got it from space aliens who landed in the cornfield. That’s my story.
Rand: Taim, you must build an army of male channelers.
Taim: I have a violent and questionable past.
Rand: Good. In that case, I will leave you alone with all these trained war machines so that you and you alone command their loyalty, and you may hire more and more violent angry men who hate me.
Carlinya: Child, do not presume to speak to Aes Sedai in such a disagreeable tone.
Nynaeve: Forgive me, Aes Sedai. I spoke out of turn in trying to prevent you from getting your hair burned off.
Carlinya: Thank you. I do enjoy people showing me proper respect as I have my head burned. Then they all can say, “All bow to the bald-headed Aes Sedai.”
Nynaeve: So you’re saying she’s not warm and friendly like all the other Reds?
Elayne: Yes. She’s different.
Moghedien: Should be pretty soon now.
Nynaeve: At the very least, I will punish you with a fierce glare.
Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, you two can feel the wrath of my glare.
Nynaeve: Oh, yeah? Well, then you can just feast on the barrage of glares I will throw your way.
Nynaeve: I’ve already withered under Delana’s glare.
Tarna Feir: Stop glaring.
Nynaeve: Then prepare for the glare.
Theodrin: I am impressed. You can glare, pull your braid, and plant your hands on your hips.
Nynaeve: I’m a triple-threat.
Leanne: Siuan, take this glare! (Not really.)
Uno: That’s my eyepatch.
Siuan: I dare to glare.
Sheriam: Your glare causes wear and tear.
Romanda: Set your eyes on ‘glare.’
Egwene: Rand al’Thor! Feel my…
Rand: I have to go.
Gawyn: Rumors are always true. They are both dead. I will have my vengeance.
Jisao: Lord Gawyn, I heard a rumor that eating bark gives you long life.
Gawyn: Fetch me a tree.
Rand: You are covered in dust.
Egwene: That’s the sign of a healthy adult. The filthier you are, the better you are at lecturing others.
Egwene: Out of love for me, can you delay your killing him until I prove these crazy rumors are false?
Egwene: Okay. Well, I heard a rumor that Rand did NOT kill Morgase.
Gawyn: Well, that proves it.
Sulin: That may be dangerous.
Rand: What are the odds someone will try to harm me?
Torval: So you are the Dragon Reborn, eh? We must kill you.
Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon Reborn.
Rochaid: Kill the Dragon Reborn.
Taim: Ah. Heh, heh. They’re kidding, my Lord Dragon. When you train male channelers in warfare, they make jokes about killing you. Specifically you.
Rand: Keep up the good work. I must get back to my palace, where only two Maidens guard me, and sometimes not even that.
Rand: Yes, I can see how riding into battle while doing a handstand on your horse would throw an enemy into panic.
Bashere: You should see the enemy flee when we start breakdancing.
Rand: That would make me flee.
Aviendha: I love you. I must give you stony stares. And glares.
Deira: Yes, dear.
Bashere: But only when she wants you to. Sometimes she wants you to be soft and gentle, like this… I love you, my cuddly little honey-bunny.
Deira: Yes, dear.
Bashere: And sometimes she wants to yell at you, like this….
Deira: DAVRAM!!! MASSAGE MY BACK!!! NOW!!
Bashere: Yes, dear. And sometimes she wants to be soft and gentle with you, like this…
Deira: I will perch on your shoulder, my big, strong rock of a husband.
Bashere: So you see, it’s not that hard. Do you know anything about babbling women who don’t know what they want?
Perrin: Well, I grew up in the Two Rivers.
Bashere: Oh, you’ll be fine. But if you do get anything wrong, I will kill you.
Merana: Rumors are always true. Prepare to glare.
Faeldrin: Rumors has it that eating bark give you long life. Should I get you a tree, as well?
Merana: Just a small log.
Galina: What makes you think you should refuse protection, even when it is offered?
Rand: I grew up with Nynaeve and Egwene.
Galina: Ah, the masters.
Rand: So do I get into a room, or a box?
Galina: A box.
Rand: Nynaeve and Egwene told me when you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, you are put in a jail cell or a room with a bed.
Galina: When you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, there is a wide variety of places you can be put.
Egwene: [Baring chest.] I am a woman.
Sheriam: [Baring chest] I am a woman.
Anaiya: [Baring chest.] I am a woman.
Uno: [Baring chest] I am a woman.
Bera: I am a plain, strong, farmwife type. Together, we rub people everywhere the wrong way.
Elayne: Thanks. Delicious.
Nynaeve: Mat, you have a lot of nerve. I must kick you in the bottom.
Elayne: That’s wrong and hilarious.
Egwene: Yes, it is. Now kick Mat off with you to Ebou Dar.
Mat: But I’m supposed to bring Elayne to Caemlyn.
Elayne: No one ‘brings’ me anywhere! I am….
Mat, Egwene, and Nynaeve: The Daughter-Heir, we know.
Thom: Heed the advice of the old wise man. Sometimes women insist on getting themselves hurt, and all you can do is help them.
Mat: Help them hurt themselves. Good plan.
Mat: If you aren’t Queen of Andor yet, how can I be your subject?
Elayne: Uh, yes. Well, you are my spiritual subject. In spirit, I rule you.
Mat: How so?
Elayne: I can do over one hundred chin-ups. That is, I can lift my own body using my chin one hundred times.
Mat: Prove it.
Elayne: Okay. One…. Two… Three…
Mat: Keep it up, you’re doing great. Okay, men, let’s go.
Gedwyn: Kill the Dragon.
Taim: Not yet, you idiot.
Gawyn: I will see you dead, al’Thor. Right after your men let me go.
Kiruna: Ah, young al’Thor. We, the haughty queen-like Aes Sedai, and the haughty farmwife Aes Sedai, shall help you since you clearly need someone to hold your hand…
Taim: Kneel to the Lord Dragon. Or you will be knelt.
Rand: Ah. All I had to do was become the most powerful warlord on Earth to get a woman to stop nagging me.
Dark Lord: YOU HAVE DONE WELL, DEMANDRED. MY BIG VOICE SYSTEM WORKS GREAT. CHECK ONE, CHECK TWO. TEST. TEST. YOU WILL NOT BE NAE’BLIS. TEST. TEST.